This also has the amazing down side that if you think about it too much the words play around in your head for so long that you never get anything done.
This past month-ish has been a strange one for me. I've felt so disconnected from everything and everyone in my life, so much so that I wrote something that one of my oldest and closest friends saw and read. And it hurt him. Well I'm guessing it hurt him because he had some very angry words to say over twitter. I apologised for the words I had said but I don't think its right to apologise for the emotions behind them.
And what were the emotions? Loneliness. That's it. Pure, un-adulterated loneliness. I'm not even sure where this came from. I'm almost constantly surrounded by people at work and at college, so much so that when I'm not at either I spend most of my time alone in my room. I just sit and listen to music or watch TV/ Films or read or sometimes even write. But lately I've felt an inherent need to be with people. To have the people in my life that make me laugh or that I can talk to.
Which is a lie because I never talk to anyone. I listen. I write. But I never talk.
I've always felt extremely uncomfortable expressing emotions vocally. Which is a shame because if you never say anything, it all goes unsaid.
Words even fail to cover how much I am grateful for the people in my life. My five or six (depending on which stage in our lives we're at) best friends who I've known mostly since High School some even younger. And we haven't always been in each others lives in the way we are now. We drift in and out depending on where we are in our own story. But we've been pretty solid for the past three years and it's made me happy to know these people are in my life.
But there are patterns to life - as much as people say its full of surprises, these "surprises" usually follow a sequence. And I can't help but be terrified that this sequence is that we all grow older and go our separate ways. And so how do I deal with that? Get sad and push those away who are closest to me so I can't be hurt somewhere down the line. Its almost like bracing yourself to remove a plaster. The slower you do it, the less it hurts when it actually comes off. Ripping it quickly only hurts like a bitch.
Which is so stupid. Like seriously stupid. Even if I do get into the University I want, I still have 2 more years here. So what? I'm going to make myself miserable now so I'll be less miserable in the future when I leave everyone and everything I know and love and be miserable? Whole lot of misery right there.
So after my talk with my friend (He shouted at me), I realised how insane that was, to pull away from people I love because of life getting in the way. I want to live "in the moment" (Yes ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the soppy cliché part of the blog) and actively be a part of my friends lives. Because even if we do go our own ways 2 or 5 or 10 years down the line, I'll still have these memories to look back on. And I don't want them just to be filled with my own self pity and my resentment to change.
No comments:
Post a Comment